What If

I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning wondering what if this Thanksgiving was my last one. Morbid thought. Probably normal though. While I am pretty OK with walking through what is coming my way, I have my moments and apparently 3 a.m. this morning was one of those moments. I laid there for awhile just kind of feeling those feelings and then thinking about how many people probably had their last Thanksgiving and have no clue that it possibly could be. People die suddenly every day; some very tragically. Would they have spent Thanksgiving any differently had they known?

I decided a long time ago not to live my life by the what ifs but also realized early this morning that it is not such a bad thing to consider the what ifs. I enjoyed the holiday tremendously. I spent Thanksgiving morning at Fredericksburg Baptist facilitating breakfast for the community. What made it very special is that Ryan was there too. He chopped potatoes and cooked eggs. It was a nice mom moment. Michael arrived later with Frankie and later, Michael, Ron, Ryan and I all enjoyed a nice dinner. Frankie and Ginger parked themselves on the floor near the table in hopes that we would include them in the fun. No stress; just a nice day.

Candy cane Saturday was a lot of fun. I made a new pie which Michael willingly ate first in case it was not good so we could quietly remove it from the dessert table should it have been a failure. Is he a great son or what?

I have no clue if my re-diagnosis has helped me appreciate the days a bit more, but I will take it. I have said for years that my biggest fear as a parent would be that my children did not truly know that they were loved. My diagnosis years ago and this re-diagnosis helps me see that I have not failed and therefore I have nothing to fear.